Flow Control

I have been aware, for some time, that my emotional makeup tends to be heavily weighted on the side of giving rather than receiving. This sounds like a good thing - but that's only because our culture is so acutely slanted in the opposite direction. In fact, an ideal goal should be to cultivate a balance - and for whatever complex set of reasons, I haven't done that.

The graceful and sincere acceptance of compliments, for example, requires conscious effort. The same applies to allowing others to make altruistic gestures of any size in my direction. I can certainly allow it, but not without effort, and certainly not without mentally calculating how I can make it up to them, later. On a more parapsychological note (bear with me if that's not your thing), I had the experience last week after a group "positive energy exchange" exercise of two of the participants actually verbalizing that although they were surprised by how powerful my "output" was, what they were sending back at me was initially just bouncing off. This was interesting, since during the exercise, it had taken several seconds of real effort of will for me to get into a "receiving" frame of mind.

On the surface, these seem like a not terribly serious problems: A person who gives (materially, emotionally, energetically) tends to be liked and sought-after. They tend to stand out. But like any other area of dynamic tension, it is a balance that is the healthy and ideal target.

In the framework that I've come to accept as "the way the universe works", a person's conscious and unconscious intention has a significant role in their experience of life. I believe this beyond a mere "positive thinking makes me happier" notion - I actually consider that our energetic intent and focus influences the nature of how reality unfolds around us. New Age-y types often speak of our ability as "co-creators" to "manifest" our own reality. A part of that equation, however, is our ability to "allow" those things to happen- to simply, unilaterally receive them from the Universe.

And here I come to the crux of why an imbalance in giving and receiving matters. As I feel around in the back corners of my mind, I can detect a resistance to allowing certain kinds of "gifts" in. It may, frankly, be an issue of belief in my own "worthiness". That sounds so pop-psychology-whiny - but it strikes me that that may be precisely the root issue - and something that I don't think I'd even consciously considered when I started typing this blog entry. Interesting.

When I consider why I'd feel that way, the first thought that comes to mind is that even though I've long-since moved on from the theology of my youth, it's very possible that a lingering notion of what "God" is like (Holy, transcendent, and only interested in interacting with me because of some act of astonishing mercy) is informing my beliefs even now. Certainly on an intellectual level, I've moved beyond all of that - but in my unconscious core? Perhaps not. Old habits, especially those ingrained from infancy until one's early adulthood, die hard.

Learning to gracefully receive sounds like it will probably be fun, though - even if slightly uncomfortable. Here goes!

The Road Less Traveled, and a Choice of Trees

Tidying up the house this morning, I came across a framed copy of William Butler Yeats' poem "The Two Trees". A few years ago, while going through a massive reorganization of my life, this poem, and Loreena McKennitt's musical tribute to it, made a profound impact on me. It was bittersweet to reflect on it.

The poem speaks of a "holy tree", growing within the reader's heart, glorious and strong-rooted - full of life. It also speaks of a tree that is viewed "in the bitter glass" - which more or less would be the opposite of "rose tinted glasses" (crap-tinted glasses?). The reader is presented with the choice of where to spend their focus.

This became somehow entwined, this morning, with the Robert Frost lines-

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

It's absolutely true. Although one should aim to focus on the present moment, not defining one's self in terms of "my story so far", it still strikes me that the lesson I learned back then, which has resulted in my (more often than not, anyhow) choosing to walk the brighter road... has made all the difference.

Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.

Phase Shift

August 20th is a day I have referred to for the past 5 years as my "high holy day". It is a spiritual holiday without a religion. A celebration with only one attendee: Me.

This year (as previously), the days leading up to my observance of this milestone, as well as the days after, have resulted in a shift of perspective and intention. Previously "important" notions fade into the background. New people appear on the scene. New themes suddenly begin recurring. And, importantly, my sense of my place in the Universe subtly shuffles - in a markedly positive way.

I'm infused with a sense of anticipation about where this next phase of my journey will take me. I'm excited at the prospect of learning new lessons about trust & intention. As it happens, I'm looking forward to sharing. Maybe you'll just be able to read and smile knowingly, but if we're both lucky, perhaps something from my world will speak to something in yours, and we'll both be the wiser.

Let's go.

Calm All The Way Down

I dropped by a favourite lakeside park of mine after work today to enjoy a few moments in the sunshine, and perhaps to experience some inspiration.

I was immediately struck by the incredible clarity of the water near the shoreline, and in the narrow stream that flowed out into the lake at this point. Having spent a lot of time in this very spot, I knew how often it is that the shallows are churned up, and the water cloudy with silt.

As I looked at the surprisingly turquoise water of the lake, and the clearly visible patterns of stones on the bottom, the phrase - "It's calm - All the way down," came to mind.

In a heartbeat, these words had grown to become a keen insight about my own life. The kind of clarity I was seeing in this water meant that there was a stillness in it - and not a momentary one - It was one that had held for a period of time. As it did so, the particulate that had previously clouded it had settled to the bottom.

So too, my mind. A randomly applied moment of quiet, as lovely as it may be, is not enough to lastingly settle the mental clutter that gives rise to the habitual, undefined state of unrest that sometimes plagues me. A more persistent state of quiet, maintained over time, is what makes a real difference.

So often, aware of the things I can do to bring myself peace, I am able to calm the surface - but this can be merely cosmetic. True mental clarity in the depths requires discipline. It is not a matter of pleasing some external deity by performing acts of devotion - a paradigm that was drilled into me in my youth... but rather it is simply the pragmatic mechanics of how the mind works. I can choose to do what needs doing... or not.

Breakthrough

On a walk today with the kids, we came across a quiet pond that had frozen over very thinly with a still-transparent layer of ice. For a while, we played at "skipping" stones across the water, trying not to break the ice while getting the stones as far as possible.

At the end of it all, the smooth surface of the pond was scattered with stones of various sizes. Looking at these, I imagined the moment that would inevitably come for each when the ice beneath would melt just enough that the stone would slip through. It will almost certainly happen suddenly - even though the incremental softening of the ice will have gone on for some time beforehand.

I reflected on how our lives are so much the same. There are moments of acute change that come on us suddenly, demarcating past from future in ways that are very obvious 'features' on the landscape of our lives. Of course, all such changes come as the result of the same kind of slow, incremental preparatory steps that precede the crisis moment for the stones scattered on the pond ice, but because of the way we tend to look at our lives, they are typically perceived as moments of crisis.

All of this seems relevant, I suppose, because the last month or so has seen a "softening of the ice" around the stone of my own life. It's clear that a moment of demarcation is just around the corner.

Does the stone fear the change that is coming for it? No. After all- It's been through all of this before... more times than we can imagine.

Once More, with Feeling

It's been well over a year since I took an extended break from blogging. In fact, at the time I outright deleted my original "Somnambulist Seeker" blog.

I'm back at it now because I believe I'm entering a new chapter in my life. These chapter-changes often come with many learnings, challenges, and epiphanies. I've learned that putting my experiences & feelings down on "paper" tends to help me better understand & integrate it all. So here I am.

As my profile says, this blog is all about taking the path less traveled, and learning every day. You're welcome to watch.

The first day of the new decade seems like an excellent opportunity to begin. Let's go.